Little Aussie Biters

If you're tired of my unwarranted writing advice, then this post is for you.


Unwarranted travel advice!


Australia has long been viewed by the outside world as a lush Eden graced with golden beaches, blue skies and healthy lands. That's why so many people flock to this warm island of perennial sunshine.


Rarely does a tourist think of the things that lurk around every corner, under every rock, in every wave, up every tree - the critters Australians like to call the Little Aussie Biters. There are so many nasty biters in Australia that I simply can't include them all; the following is a mere highlights package of some of my homeland's more colourful characters.


Those with a delicate disposition should look away now!



Stone Fish - utter biters. 

As the name suggests, these ugly fish are disguised as stones, so you don't know it's there until you step on it. Its body is covered in toxic spikes that can paralyse a full grown adult in under five seconds. If stung, scream as loudly as you can for help. Pray it arrives quickly before your brain is so overcome by toxin it forgets to tell your heart to keep beating.

Crocodiles - prehistoric biters.
Despite their name, Saltwater Crocodiles can also be found kilometers up river in freshwater. Their huge size belies their agility - if you go near the river they will get you! First they grab you so quickly you don't have time to scream. The grab you with one bite, drag you into deep water, then they twist and spin, tearing muscle from bone. Then they shove your lifeless body under a submerged tree root for a few weeks so you rot up nicely. Only later, when you're more bag-of-pus than human, do they come back to eat you. 

Blue Ringed Octopus - sneaky biters. 

Often found in rock pools, their shiny blue rings are a product of evolution at its best. As we all know, kiddies can't resist bright shiny things. If you touch them, you will die unless you get to hospital and are put on a respirator immediately. The magic of this critter's poison is that in most cases, the patient is completely alert, but unable to speak during the entire ordeal!

Stingrays - slippery biters. 
These swimming blankets are a protected species. If they sting you, you're forbidden by law from punching them in the throat.

Sharks - big biters. 

Hello sweetheart!
Don't run away, I just want to be friends!

Completely misunderstood. They do occasionally attack humans but only if severely provoked by the colour of your surfboard. The first bite, they amputate your leg, the next bite, you're not there any more. The only cure is prevention - always go swimming or surfing with lots of other people. You can't outswim a shark, but you should at least be able to outswim your friends.

Jelly Fish - slimy biters. 
Box Jelly Fish, Portuguese Man-o-War, etc, can be found in all warm climates - ie, all the places where you want to have a swim. Thankfully, most of these beaches have emergency back up plans - bottles of vinegar! (And you thought they were for the fish and chips?) Jelly Fish have long, pretty tentacles that are filled with sharp stingers, which they wrap around unsuspecting victims. 

Screaming only wastes energy. Get back to shore as fast as you can and grab that bottle of vinegar and pour it over your wound. If there is no bottle, get someone to urinate on you. An official tourist information booklet says: "You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and drown before reaching the shore. So don't go swimming alone!" 

And remember, these are tourist brochures. They're are designed to gloss over the bad things!

Sand fleas - invisible biters.
After all these warnings, you're still determined to go to the beach? Don't say we didn't warn you. Even if you're under an umbrella, you're determined to play it safe and not get burnt, and you're not even going into the water, sand fleas don't care. They live just under the sand and come up and bite you on your pink bits. It's not poisonous, but it hurts! Just you try and sit down for your 24 hour flight back home now!


Once you get on land, things start to get exciting.

Funnel web spiders - ferocious biters: 

These fellas, who live mostly in Sydney, will chase you into the house. They are half the size of a tarantula, but pack enough poison to kill more people than the iceberg that hit the Titanic. Their bite is so painful it makes a joke of the word "excruciating". Unless you want to die horribly within a few, short, agonising hours, get to hospital ASAP.

White tail spiders - time delay biters:
These small, thin spiders with a white tip on the tail, have a painless bite. Many people don't even know they've been bitten. A few days later they get a painful lump on the bite site, which, if untreated, can grow into massive ulcers of dead skin, affectionately known as necrotising arachnidism. In many cases doctors resort to amputation to save the patient.

Red back spiders - pretty biters:

The idiot cousin of the North American black widow. Red back spiders have a delicate but slow acting poison that causes so much pain, bandaging the wound only makes things worse. Without anti-venom, it can take up to three weeks to die. Horribly.

Snakes - scaley biters:
There is a saying, "Snakes are more afraid of us than we are of them." It's good to say this often and loudly if walking in long grass in summer. In Australia, treat every snake as if it's venemous. Don't try and kill it or pick it up, just run like fury in the opposite direction. Most people bitten by snakes will live, if they get to hospital in time.

Right. I've properly scared myself now. Good thing I work indoors at a desk, eh?