Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Professional Procrastination

Wendy: Welcome fans to the Procrastination World Cup here in Canberra, Australia's national capital.
Meg: It's an incredible field we have today.
Wendy: You bet. Writers strongly represented this year.
Meg: Absolutely. Writers are very strong in the procrastination arena.
Wendy: Careful! Twitter will give you a serve on that one.
Meg: I stand by it Wendy, being a writer myself, I know all about procrastinating.
Wendy: I didn't know you were a writer.
Meg: I dabble in my spare time.
Wendy: And we're just about to ready to start so we'd best head down to the arena where Jack EyeCandy is on the playing floor. Jack, you're looking gorgeous today, and mighty distracting.
Jack: That's because I'm wearing a tight shirt and stubble.
Wendy: Of course you are.
Jack: If we're not careful we'll miss the start of the competition. And that's the siren, and they're off!
Sara the knitter from Australia has made a rookie mistake and picked up her needles. Oh look, she's put them down again to read a magazine with a knitting pattern in it . . . and she's skipped past the knitting to the recipe section.
Wendy: Who's the New Zealander?
Jack: That's Craig, he's a lawnmower and garden maintenance worker by trade, but he's spotted the television remote and has opened a can of beer. That takes incredible skill and training in procrastination.
Meg: Brilliant move from the Kiwi. And would you look at the Americans?
Jack: The Americans have all turned on their computers, which will set them back but - oh - I spoke too soon, the computers are connected to the internet and they're on facebook.
Meg: My money's on the Russian.
Jack: I wouldn't be too sure, the Russian writer has opened her work file on the computer and appears to be writing, which will set her way back in the procrastination stakes. Hang on, she's looking something up on the internet. Masterful stroke, she's fallen down the wiki-hole of definitions and is now looking up the history of domesticated horses. That could put her in the lead.
Wendy: Incredible competition we're seeing here today. Oh no! The knitter looks like she's casting on.

- Audience booing -

Meg: The parochial Australian crowd isn't happy with that one.
Wendy: Vocally upset. But wait a minute, she's stopped!
Meg: She's stretching her fingers!
Wendy: She's getting a cramp already!
Wendy: Incredible, absolutely incredible. I think we have a winner.
Jack: No so fast, one of the writers is playing Candy Crush Saga on Facebook. That's what I call picking the low-hanging fruit. Sure, it's a great way to procrastinate, but it's hardly anything new.
Meg: Can we get a close-up of the screen? I love that game.
Jack: Nice move! Now she's inviting her facebook friends to join her.
Wendy: Is that allowed?
Jack: It's an incredible move and it could be the American writers take out the first three placings here. It will take a miracle of procrastination to beat that.
Wendy: The Australian knitter is back with a mug of tea. She's walked past her knitting chair and she's moving to one of the empty computer terminals.

- Audience screaming out 'Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi! -

Jack: She's switching it on . . . I thought she might be looking up videos to learn how to knit, that's always a great move . . . but wait, she's on - she's on a website and she's going to start her own blog. Oh Ladies and Gentlemen, have you ever seen such amazing procrastination before. The Australian is absolutely laying waste to the rest of the field AND SHE'S STARTING UP HER OWN BLOG FROM SCRATCH, AND IT'S ALL ABOUT KNITTING AND WRITING ABOUT KNITTING.

- Audience goes wild -

Wendy: Stunning performance
Meg: Superlative
Wendy: You can't say superlative as a superlative, you have to use a superlative, like stunning or brilliant.
Meg: Fine. That was the most stunning performance I've ever seen.
Wendy: You can't be most stunning, stunning is a superlative, here, I'll look it up for you.... Jack, can you wrap up, we're busy.


Emmie said...

I laughed and laughed. And then I cried a little bit. And then I made a cup of tea.

Ebony McKenna. said...

I've had too many cups of tea these past couple of days. I'm fighting off a head cold, but I think the cold is winning.

I wrote this piece in the delirium of taking cold and flu tablets. wow, it's a work of genius! (not!)

Think I need another cuppa.